SURVIVAL TIPS IN A DAMN HOSTEL!!!!!!!

More than one-third of my ’not-so important and eventless ‘ life has been spent in that divine abode –hostel.Well take ma word for it…..life is damn different here. All your earlier lessons as a human being are not sufficient to survive in such a place.No laws of civilization holds good here.Its an altogether different set of rules and a completely new constitution that reigns here.As Allen’s Law of civilization goes “it is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it” holds good in such places of weird human existence.Any fresher would need those lil guidelines to just exist with the “not so human –yet not so tribal “specimens here.So here are those tips from a veteran who is gonna retire soon.

1)JUNKYARDS –BETTER SURVIVAL GROUNDS THAN THOSE ‘ROOMS’
your mom must hav told u “cleanliness is next to godliness.”But don’t even think of it in such a place.Alwys keep ur room as untidy as possible.In case it has a speck of that vestigial thing called cleanliness pls destroy it immediately cos a clean room runs the imminent risk of being used by the savage inhabitants as their dining room,gets frequently visited by these ppl for ironing their clothes ,dressing up and being used by them as those ‘occasional learning rooms’ during university exams.So perfect anarchy is the only way to keep away these humans with animal traits.
2)GET A STOCK OF SLEEPING PILLS OR BECOME INSOMNIAC
Its been observed that most of these ‘stud’-ents who reside in these hostels are nocturnal.I dunno if they have suffered from insomnia from their very childhood or if they get it after feeling the air of this place….But the truth remains that they suffer from it.At all those odd hours u can hear women shrieking ,taking bathes at 2o’clock,talking with their boy friends (I was just thinking of the guy….or is he also one of those sleepless creatures????.or may be nowadays instead of blindness love gives insomnia….well dunno) and doing all those things which normal humans do during day.There is rap,carnatic,instrumental and even subhalaxmi’s suprabhatham running at all those un-earthly hours.So anything but sleep is possible in such conditions.So its better that u come with your stock of sleeping pills or try developing insomnia for surviving in such a place.
3) DARWINISM IN FOOD MATTERS
The residents occasionally visit their homes to refresh their memories of earlier civilized existence and they come back with huge chunks of home-made food.When these food packets are opened, never even think of waiting for her to distribute the stuff…pounce on it as though u hav never seen it (decency doesn’t count here…its jus how much u hv had at the end that makes u the winner) and get the maximum share of it.You need severe mental as well as physical alertness to make the maximum out of such demanding conditions.So start practicing now itself.The only rule that stays and that has stayed in this game“survival of the fittest”.
4) NEVER OWN,ALWAYS BORROW
Never even think of owning anything because apparently it gets used up by everyone in the hostel and gets lost. Iron-box, Chappal, bucket, soap, deoderant, tooth-paste –all these essential ingredients life should never be owned but must be borrowed from those meek creatures who has never had the guidelines and always be careful about your tooth-brush cos it runs the risk of getting stolen by one of those whackos who worships Ho-Chu-Minn(the viatnamese leader who till the end owned only a bicycle for himself).Even if you own any of these things ,never show it to the others(that is almost impossible cos a hostel offers no private life).So keep this in mind ‘never own ,always borrow’.
5)GOSSIP MINTING POWER
well gossips are the livewire of the hostel.Always be open to important infos as “what did X’s boy fren give her????where did X go with Y????Does X travel on Y’s bike????Are X and Y in love, or are they just frens or even better are they brother-sister???” because in the next gossip session the person coming up with maximum info is hailed the king- the undisputed king of ‘hot and spicy’.So always believe in “nothing is trivial in life”.In case u don hav any runnin gossips jus be creative enuff and entertain others.
6)TV ROOM TIPS
All these A-grade hostels usually have just one TV room for some 300 odd souls.So its alwys better to avoid such modes of entertainment or in case u r very keen about it ,get used to such a watching habit where u don’t stick to a particular channel for more than 2secs,the channels will always be running.
7)GETTING USED TO GB’S
In schools u must have debated for long on how to get UN more effective????,big dams-boon or bane???????….but nothing is of significance here.The GB’s are those high volume sessions(a microcosm of the Indian Parliament with ppl raining profanities on each other) where u discuss all those top priority matters as “bonda or sukhiyan for tea????,whether to dig an underground pipe to new block?????,if clothes for drying should be put on the line at the corner or should we even think of drying it?????”.Always be alert in such hot discussions cos they will decide as to how earth rotates the next day!!!!
8)LIFE IS A CARNIVAL
One good trait about such holy abodes is that ppl here believ in the fact that life is a gala festival. U celebrate for no reason ,the 300th day of your affair with a guy(reason enough to celebrate ryt…u hav actually stuck with the same guy for 300 odd days…great!!),valentine’s day, mother’s day,father’s day,grandmother’s day,beggar’s day and what not???????the inhabitants are jus waiting for yet another reason to celebrate.Then there are these chotu-treats –the usual menu being maggi noodles (the staple food of any hostel),chaat (well they call it that ….it’s a grandiose dish of onion,tomato,chilly,lime and mixture),and bread sandwich followed by this horrible tap-dancing by the inhabitants.
9)GET USED TO THE ‘NOT SO’ VEGE MESS
The mess is the center-stage of any hostellite’s existence.But it is here that u ought to be spiritual to the maximum extent….”never expect anything,life moves on’…that’s the catchphrase regarding any college mess.Pooris have an excess supply of oil (but never mind……its good!!!!),Idlis are always half-cooked(don worry ur highly specialized digestive system will take care!!!!!!!),Dosa is always torn apart(afterall wat diff does dat make?????….its all the same when inside the digestive tract…..cmon…be a sport),currys are always Chinese (with their supply of worms,cockroaches and even beedi….)….well that will be the five-star mess.The golden rule of survival …I din see,I din hear,I din speak …and I just had.
10)VARIETY IS THE SPICE OF LIFE
Yeah u will meet all kindsa ppl here.Ppl who prefers Calvino to Abhishek Bachan,Bible to Filmfare,Malvino to Balarama…..but the key is never complain!!!!!!they have their own business to mind and you have your own.So never ever dare to interfere…its their will.Believe in variety and worship it after all others are taking immense pain to bear with you!!!!!!!!!
So these are the 10 commandments of exisatance in this “not-so Elysian” field.

But my heart still pounds when I think of leaving this place which has given me the most whacko times in life,which has taught me the Martian ways of surviving and which has taught me how to make life a ‘come-whatsoever,I will tread on’ ride for.Hostel life truly rocks……………………….